Review: Paramour by Felina, Captivate (i.e., possibly the most uncomfy bra ever)

This is the most uncomfortable bra my boobs have had the misfortune to meet in a very long time. If you've had the displeasure of spending any time with a Cleo, then you've already made the acquaintance of Paramour, who is apparently Cleo's equally evil American boob-twin cousin. She, too, will charm you with her (considerably more elegant) beauty; and make you fall in love with the way your boobs look while hoisted in her barbed clutches. But is it worth it? Is it really....? Let's find out.

Beauty

Captivate is just gorgeous. And yes, your boobs will look a-mayyyy-zing. Cakes on a plate, swathed in lace, with a sexy keyhole. 

And here it is on real life 38GG boobs:

 
And you will also be counting the minutes until it can be ripped from your body. Because it is that uncomfortable.

(Dis)Comfort - oh look, a new category

Wires.  Let's just start here, because they are the most heinous comfort offender. Extremely high. Flat-as-a-pancake (oh, if only they had been pancake soft). Sharp. Rigid and harsh. And with a burlap-textured casing. Did I mention flat? As in board-like, with no hint that they have any clue the female body is not 2-dimensional.

Side stays.  I am not a fan of these at the best of times. Though some brands can do them well, i.e., a softly flexible second line of support. Triumph and Empreinte come to mind. Needless to say, Paramour does not do them well, and these are the tallest, harshest, most rigid and jabbing side stays I have ever encountered. I may actually have uttered "Are you f**king kidding me?!" as I tried to get a side profile pic while simultaneously trying to avoid one of them puncturing a lung.

 

They are just almost indescribably awful. Except, of course, I just described them. It's as if they broke off the top of a plastic fork and just jammed it into the band of the bra. You know, like you do.

Fit

Frankly, who cares?  At this level of discomfort, even if the fit was perfection I would never get back those hours of my life spent in hideous discomfort. But, for the sake of information:

Straps.  Very, very short. I had to fully extend them. The straps themselves are fine. Much improved over the thin, scratchy straps of Felina's Harlow, if you've worn that. 

Band.  Really snug. The 40 fit like a looser 36. 

Cup.  Slightly small. Not much stretch. Nice shape.

The gore is quite wide, but due to the rigid wires, it tacks well.

When Do I Wear It?

Hahaha. Around a quarter-past-never. And I can't imagine ever wanting to try anything else by this brand.

Size: 40G